Welcome back, tea sippers!
Thanks to everyone who participated in last week’s blog post. I received some interesting feedback and was able to dish out some advice as well.
I’ll take it!
And Homecoming last week was….. LIT. Certainly went out with a bang for my last Homecoming as an undergrad!
Tonight’s tea explores one “adventure” in my life that is very comical to me now.
Ladies and gents, how many times have you either been dragged to accompany your homeboy or home girl when they were going out with their boo? I mean, being the third wheel and playing it well.
Well, this role isn’t foreign to me. As a matter of fact, once upon a time I thought I had a permanent note on the center of my forehead that read, “Forever The Third Wheel”.
It’s especially more comical when you really don’t know what you signed up for, and shoot, who you are really signed up with.
As friends, sometimes us ladies we have to take the L, and the fellas… how do the fellas like to say it… “take one for the team”.
Hell, you know it wasn’t that type of party, but my friends could never say I am a cock-blocker.
*insert side eye here*
Let’s get into tonight’s brew.
Blind Date Blues
“Aww, man! Come on sis, don’t be like that!” Cakes begged me as I rolled my eyes harder than an eight year old.
“HELL. NO.” I replied, sternly.
Cakes was one of my first friends I made in college and she was really a sister to me. There isn’t much we haven’t been through together, and through the good, the bad, and the ugly, we still remain. Forreal.
“I get tired of you tryna always set me up with these losers!” I flipped my hair.
“But he ain’t a busta! My dude has good friends… and he’s hooking you up with one for tomorrow!” Cakes exclaimed.
“Look. We are just going to Disney, and it ain’t for me to find a love connection. I am spending time with my godson, and that’s that. You bringing your man is one thing, but you can tell his friend to stay his ass home.” I stared at her wide eyed.
“Well, you gon be real mad at me. I told my man to bring him anyway.” She spoke softly.
“Cakes, what the fu-” I began to snap.
“Come on, Britt! I didn’t want my mans to drive all up here by himself-”
“Girl, quit babying that negro! His grown ass can drive!”
“You need a man! Give somebody else a chance!” She yelled.
“I don’t need shit.” I hissed. “And you know that.”
She chuckled. “Look, bih, he’s coming. I’ll warn him about your feisty ass. But he’s excited to meet you.”
“Bih, you are selfish. I just wanted to be with you and my godson for his birthday. Not be smothered by some loser.” I sipped on my wine cooler.
Cakes shook her head. “You’ll be alright. Just be nice. Play nicer.”
I cackled. “Girl, please. You owe me big time for this shit.”
I was not ready to be annoyed the whole night while some dude breathed down my neck the entire time. Some of my friends swore up and down that I needed a man oh so badly cause it had been a while. And I mean, I have been on my share of dates, as rarely as they did come. But the blind dates? Bruh, every single one I have been on has been a nightmare. The most memorable was when I went on a date with a dude and his baby momma showed up to the restaurant. Red Lobster at that.
But that’s for another time. *sips tea*
I went back to my apartment that evening and looked in my closet for something to wear to Disney. My godson was turning two, and I couldn’t wait to see the look on his face when he would open up his gift from me, which included toys and books, and how he would glow as he seen characters from Disney.
I decided to go with a pair of shorts, a tank, a loose fitting shirt with an open front, and my favorite silver sandals.
I enjoyed the rest of my Friday night, and even in the midst of car trouble, I was still determined to have a great weekend.
“Hey Cakes. Girl, my car won’t start. Can you pick me up today?”
“Yeah, girl, it’s no problem. I’m dropping the baby off back at my apartment where my parents are, and I’ll be over.”
“Okay, cool. Did your man only make it into town?” I asked, hoping she would say he came alone.
“…No, sis. He came with his friend. Just like I told you.” She snickered.
“I’m glad all of this is funny to you. I just want to have a good time with your people and my baby boy, and you straight tripping!” I whined.
“Oh, hush that shit up.” Cakes laughed. “You’ll be fine. His name is Tonio. Be nice.”
“Wait, you coming to get me alone, right?” I asked as I was putting the last of my MAC lipgloss on.
“See, what happened was-”
I nearly threw my lipgloss on the floor. “Damnit, Cakes! You ain’t give me no real time to even prepare myself for this bullshit!” I spat.
“You had all night! Stop being mean!” Cakes declared. “Damn, he seem aiight. So you gon be aiight. Be nice!”
“Girl, if you wasn’t a sister to me…” I growled. “How far are you before I walk the Green Mile?”
“Be there in 10. Be nice. Bye.” Click.
I sucked my teeth and began to woosah so I could get my mind right for whatever would be thrown my way. I wasn’t putting up with the BS this wonderful afternoon.
“We’re outside.” Cakes said into the receiver.
“Alright.” I clicked, and grabbed my red cross over purse and locked my bedroom door and front door. I breathed a couple of fresh breaths of positivity before opening the car door.
Her boyfriend was sitting in the passenger’s seat, which meant that Tonio was gonna have to sit in the back…with me.
I bit my cheek as I opened the right back door and slid in.
“Hey everyone.” I said politely as I closed the door.
“Britt, this is Jeff. Jeff, my sis Britt.” Cakes started the introductions. This was my first time meeting her boyfriend, too.
We mutually said what’s up to each other.
“Tonio, Britt. Brit, Tonio.” She said, staring at me from the rearview mirror.
“How are you?” Tonio said, grabbing my hand.
“Well. And yourself?” I placed my hand back on my thigh.
“I’m well.” He beamed.
This negro had on some dollar store Ray Charles sunglasses, a white tee which reeked of Black and Mild’s, some jean knickerbockers, and some Forces that were on its way to being beat up.
I rolled my eyes behind my sunglasses because this was gonna be a long damn day.
We arrived at Cakes’ apartment where her mom, dad, and grandma were with her son. I said hello and hugged everyone as Cakes made the baby bag.
Jeff and Tonio were chilling outside when Cakes told me to come hang out with them. I put on a fake smile and walked down the steps to the parking lot of her complex.
We walked up to Jeff’s car where they were sitting, and they were already having a drink. Damn, one o’clock in the afternoon?
“You want something to drink?” Jeff asked me.
“Nah, I’m cool.” I politely declined.
“I want some of that Ciroc that’s up there in the house. Aye, Cakes, go get me a cup!!” Tonio yelled.
“Are you crazy? She don’t look like Alice or Hazel!” I looked at him stupidly.
He chuckled. “Oh, now you talking. You wasn’t saying nothing in the car.”
“Yeah. I wasn’t saying nothing to you.” I corrected him. “Get your own damn liquor.”
“She going up there, she could get it from me.” He grinned, showing his half yellow teeth.
I looked at Jeff. Get your damn homeboy!
“She cool, fam. You got drink in your cup right there, homie.” Jeff told Tonio.
This guy is a bum! I said to myself.
“Let me check my mail. Come on, B.” Cakes walked off.
“These negros drinking and shit! We going to damn Disney! At least drink later on there.” I whispered.
Cakes rolled her eyes. “We going to the hotel to drop my grandma off, and we’ll be headed to the park.”
I think I rolled my eyes way more than someone should in an hour.
I chilled outside solo since Cakes was caked up. I smelled Black and Mild’s and knew that Tonio was near.
“You standing here all by yourself. Stop being mean and talk to me.” He tried to coo.
“I’m just chilling.” I replied, ignoring that last part of his statement.
“You just got your toes done? I like me some pretty ass toes on a female.” He grinned.
I could have thrown up. “Alright, yo, chill.” I shook my head.
“We taking that approach, huh?” He said softly, and decided to move closer to me. “Let me just chill with you by this tree you sitting under, then.”
“Nah, I was under the tree solo. There’s a tree right over there that you can do the same at.” I pointed.
He sucked his teeth. “You mean as hell.”
“Okay.” I said, not moving, scrolling on my phone.
His scent was killing me. He had liquor all on his breath, and I couldn’t get over how yellow his teeth were.
“Yo, Cakes, come get your girl! She all sassy and sadity and shit!” Tonio yelled.
I laughed. “Get out of here.” I meant exactly that.
“Nah, you too bougie for me. Won’t share your tree with me and shit.” He spat.
“Let you tell it.” I said.
“But I like them sassy. Now stop playing and get over here.” He grinned, attempting to reach for my arm.
“Damn, yo! That approach didn’t work before, and it sure as hell ain’t gonna work now! Chill!” I told him.
Cakes started to walk over. “What’s going on?”
“Your girl, that’s what! Like she ain’t feeling a G!” Tonio exclaimed in his annoying hoarse voice.
“What G? Boy, please, you are tired!”
Cakes saw the annoyance in my look and my voice. She knew this wasn’t the move.
He was soon to get cussed out.
She knew I wasn’t tolerable of this mess!
Before I knew it, me, Cakes, and my godson were in route to the hotel Cakes’ parents and grandma would stay at.
Jeff and Tonio drove their car separately. Thank God.
When we arrived, I got out the car to stretch my legs and play with my godson from the backseat.
I smelled Black and Mild’s again, so I knew who was behind me.
“Damnit.” I growled.
“You ready to play nice now?” He asked, showing his yellow brick road of teeth.
“I wasn’t playing at all.” I said, turning back around to tickle my god son.
He sucked his teeth. “Still sassy. When you gon learn to be nice?”
“Stop playing yourself.” I said, shaking my head. Cakes came back to unstrap her son and bring him into the hotel to change him. I followed right behind her.
“Oh, you can’t stay outside and talk to me? Forget you, then!” Tonio asked.
Jeff started laughing. “You need to chill, yo.”
“He needs to go right back to Miami where your boyfriend got him from. He’s aggravating me.” I told Cakes.
“Damn, maybe this wasn’t a good idea.” Cakes shuttered.
“YOU THINK?” I exclaimed. “I TOLD YOU to never do no shit like this to me.” I shook my head.
“I was looking out, you be all single and shit. Thought you could use a companion.” Cakes shrugged.
“I’m gucci.” I said, holding up my index finger.
Miraculously, Tonio didn’t “have his ticket” to get into Disney, and didn’t “want to come”.
FINE BY ME!
I don’t know where Jeff took him, and I could care less. The wanna be blunt was out my ass like a thong, and I was happy.
We enjoyed The Happiest Place on Earth, and my godson was happy.
This, my friends, is why I don’t do blind dates. It’s always something wrong with them.
If the vibe is off, it ain’t gon work. Tonio can run his weak game on somebody else, and he needs to find a female smoker while he’s at it.
Cakes told me a story not too long ago that her and Jeff had to go pick him up cause his car stopped on the road, and then they had to go get his girlfriend from work at Burger King.
I bet they hit the Black and Mild after that. LOL.
So, if you love me, don’t set me up. I just ain’t the one.
Hope you enjoyed, sweeties.
Till next time.