Welcome back, tea sippers and cookie dippers.
Last week’s tea had some of you all in astonishment! I mean, really, who would ever think that they would have dinner with the other one?
As an update (since inquiring minds want to know), I haven’t heard or seen from Deuce or Trina since. Just hoping that Deuce’s child is taken care of.
As a second update, if you read, “One Minute Man”, from a couple of weeks back, guess who I ran into?
And when I tell you C had the poorest excuse, trying to persuade me that he fell off because he got two jobs and he didn’t want to “hit me up because I thought you would have started flexing on me and would have did me dirty.”
His words, not mine.
Bruh, you are washed up and tired! Puh-lease.
Within the kooky chapters in my life, there is always a calm right before another storm.
Ladies and gents, I want you all to see and realize that sometimes it’s okay not to want to date. Not to want to be bothered with having a partner.
It’s okay to branch out. It’s okay to have space.
It’s okay when people ask “You’re dating who?”, and you look to them and say, “Myself.”
Let’s dig deeper. There’s a two cup minimum for tonight’s flavor of tea.
You’re Dating WHO?
“I remember…The way… You used… To love… Me….” I began to sing loudly in my car as one of my favorite songs put on this Earth and one of the best songs my ears and heart has ever heard blared from my stereo system.
Faith Evans was a beast at what she does.
At the moment, I wasn’t feeling heartbroken. I wasn’t feeling angry, or bitter, or even lonely.
I had gotten dressed up and put on my favorite scent and it wasn’t for anyone in particular.
I didn’t have to make sure that my curves were popping, and that my edges were sleeked back for safety.
I didn’t have to trip if a little polish on my toes chipped.
Why you may ask?
Cause damnit, I was going on a date.
By my damn self.
I didn’t have to double and triple check me or how I could have been perceived because that evening, I was talking my fine ass out.
I always certainly get weird looks if couples see me at a booth dining alone.
But secretly, I love it.
My favorite spot to go to solo dolo is to Red Lobster. Bonefish Grill is another. Even Logan’s Roadhouse.
And I can’t forget Lazy Moon. That’s a pizza spot right up the street from my house. It’s funny because one evening I was on a date with myself, grubbing on a good slice of pizza, and let’s just say a male I was entertaining at the time decided to pop up on me.
Was I mad? No. A little creeped out? Just a tad.
I also get the awkward stares every time I tell a server, “Just for one.” But I live for it.
Even some of my friends don’t understand what it means to have “Me Time”.
Why does everyone feel as though you have to do something with somebody at every time of the day?
Learn how to do things by your damn self.
This, ladies and gents, is a step into how to date yourself.
This is especially hopeful for anyone who has been out of a relationship for a short while and wants to date again.
Not so fast.
Have you given your mind and heart some time off?
Have you given yourself enough time to evaluate what happened in your last relationship?
Have you considered that maybe it is time for a growing process after you have healed?
I don’t condone jumping from man to man. To me, it’s not healthy. You’re just taking old shit from Terry and bring that shit to Jerry.
I used to be a Bag Lady. This, ladies, is not the way.
As you all may know, Twan was my last relationship.
You also know that Twan is deceased.
Honestly, I used to feel guilty to want to date again months after Twan’s death. I thought his ass would come and haunt me and ruin whatever relationship I got into next.
It wasn’t until he came into my dream maybe two months after his death, and he lead me to another man.
In the dream, I was at a party, and there was this dude that was feeling me. I mean, buddy was sweating me more than my own body was sweating me.
But I didn’t give him the time of day.
The next evening, I was with a couple of my friends, and for some reason, everyone was parking lot pimping. It was nothing but cars, stereo systems booming, men, women, and drinks all on the hoods and roofs of people’s whips.
Twan came up to the passenger door of the car I was sitting in and spotted me in the passenger seat.
I was startled, to say the least, especially when he opened the unlocked car door.
While questioning him the whole time, he gently grabbed my hand and led me to an unfamiliar car.
“What is this?” I asked him loudly.
He then opened the passenger door to the car we stood in front of and the same guy from the previous night at the party was there, smiling at me.
I turned and looked at Twan with a confused look.
He smiled and squeezed my hand and walked away.
And it was then, I knew it was okay.
Okay to move on.
Sure, I longed to be loved, and I wanted to start over, and I wanted to be a woman to someone, but if I wanted to do it right, I knew it would take some time.
I had to do me for a change.
So many relationships I had been in, and I wasn’t putting me first. I made sure my man was tight and if I was just cool, then I would just be that.
So many times I thought that if I provided all that I could to a man, he would never leave me.
Should I go on? Cause baby, I could keep you here all night.
The point is, with all these mistakes I made and many lessons I could literally write a book on *hint hint*, it was time for me to apply it into the new woman I wanted to be.
And when I would find that right man, everything would be right, because I took out the time to get to know me.
Why walk into something that could be so sweet but you still have the sour in you? Why meet the ultimate man of your dreams when you’re heart isn’t ready to love him like he should be?
You know, there are many women who walk into a relationship with no sense of who they are, and believe that their man should be the one to build them and mold them into the woman they think she should be.
And those same women walk out of those same relationships with the same thing she came with- shit.
Why can’t you be a self-defining woman? Why must you build yourself up completely with a man and only a man?
Ladies, why can’t you be self-made in a sense? Why must you rely on a man to make you?
You be the woman you want to be!
All of this can be achieved by doing one thing- taking the time to get to know yourself, loving to love yourself, and learning how to date yourself.
I get so many questions on how did I learn to be so strong despite life’s constant jabs.
I could give you one answer, or I could give you one hundred solutions.
But I built myself back up every time a man made me fall. Sometimes, I was the one to blame for my initial fall.
But I couldn’t have done anything without helping myself first. Repairing the wounds that someone did to me or that I did to myself.
You can only do that by reevaluating yourself.
And this is to be done when you are alone. That words scares most, but it takes a drive in me. To know that I can do so much alone, is driving to me.
The fact that I want to love again, is only because I loved myself fifty times harder when I was alone.
Get your nails done by yourself.
Have dinner by yourself.
Sit by the lake and journal by yourself.
Go shopping by yourself.
Take a long drive by yourself.
Go to the movies by yourself.
Take a yoga class by yourself.
Take a trip to the beach by yourself.
It is truly the simplest things you can do by yourself where you can begin and continue to learn more things about yourself.
It’s not crazy. It’s not stupid. It’s not silly.
Damn it, it’s self-fulfilling. It’s enriching. It’s knowledge, my G.
Get to know you, by yourself.
Love you, by yourself.
Because when you come to a point where I’m at, where I know myself, love myself beyond words, knowing what I can bring to the table, knowing my strengths and weakness, and knowing what I deserve… You’ll be ready for your perfect partner, too.
Only if you date yourself, first.
How the hell can you date a stranger and you’re a stranger to yourself?
Who knows you best? (Besides your momma, if that?)
If you don’t love you, Marcus can’t love you. If you don’t know you, Marcus could never get the idea or the satisfaction of saying that he knows you.
Sometimes, you have to be a mess by yourself. Go ahead, be a hot damn mess alone.
And then work through it.
Write down what you learned throughout that process.
Apply it to being the woman or man you want to be.
Apply it to the next relationship you know you deserve to be in.
Everything in life happens for a reason. Everything can be served and used as a lesson.
How long have I been dating myself?
Hmm, about four years now.
Am I tired of it? At times, because I know I’m ready for the next step.
Has it come yet? I’ll ask God to make sure if it has.
Sure, I thought I had the opportunity to explore dating with a guy we’ll call Yella. He lived out of the state and hadn’t confessed his feeling for me until after he graduated college. I used to have a thing for Yella, but he played too many games with me.
Now that he’s on his own, well into his career, his actions showed that he wanted to explore me again.
He liked the idea of me, but couldn’t handle me.
Inconsistency was just a small portion; immaturity would be the dead giveaway for the reason to blame.
But that’s okay, cause I love myself anyway.
Sure, I thought I had the opportunity to explore dating someone who was a little on the famous side. Things are all good when you are in the same city, but with all the flights, the shows, the different time zones, the pressure to rise to the top with the fame you already got… Who was really to blame?
Late responses to texts and constant missed calls, voicemails unopened, maybe listened to half a dozen.. Trying to talk about your day and all he wanted to discuss was his money.. Discussions on his dreams but was sleep when it came to mine.. Constant “I’m sorry’s” and “I’mma hit you back”… Shit just wasn’t enough.
But that’s okay, cause I love myself anyway.
Be the best woman and the best man you can be on your own.
Make your insides beautiful and soulful inside and out before wanting a partner to share it with.
Be that Picasso you want sitting on your own wall in your house, before trying to sit on someone else’s wall.
It’s okay to do you. For an extended amount of time.
Get you and your shit right and tight, for the next time love might be introduced in your life.
And when things don’t work out, it’s cool.
Because you still have the precious contents in you.
And no one can take that away from you, unless you allow them to.
So the next time, you’re out with your girlfriends or if you are about to hit the bar with your boys, and they ask you, “So, who are you dating anyway?”
You point to yourself, and indubitably, they’ll point and say “You??”
And you’ll respond, “Yes, doggone it. Me.”
I think it’s safe to say that posting every Thursday might be my new thing, since that’s really when I have been posting lately.
Got some great things coming up soon, and one of them, will need the support of my lovely and loyal readers of TBB. Stay tuned!
Next week is Homecoming, baby! But, I won’t leave you all hanging.
See you next week, babies.