I had such a great post for you, tea sippers. But Satan himself deleted all of my wisdom from the notepad in my phone and I had to start from scratch. I hope that you all will enjoy this post just as much.
Some of you were really touched with “So Unpretty”. It goes to show that no matter how well you may know someone, you never know exactly what they may be going through. Even people who went to high school with me and read last week’s post, had no clue of how things really were for me.
It is important to always love yourself first, and love yourself always. Don’t be like many women who wait until they first find a partner, then build themselves up with the partner and uses what he or she says to help build themselves up, and then when and if that relationship ends, they have nothing. Zip Zelch. Nada. Bullshit.
Be smarter than that, ladies.
Everyone wants love, right? And ladies, when we go through the ups and downs of life, we still have the urge to want to be tended to, and give all this loving we have to someone else, of course, after we give it to our damn self first.
Ladies, if you are a woman of past scorn like me, I will tell you this.
No one likes a Bitter Betty. A Negative Nancy. A Bitchy Bonnie.
What you put into the universe, is what you will receive.
It took me years to master this concept, but maybe I can save you some time.
Let’s get into tonight’s cup of sweet tea.
If Loving You Is Wrong…
I was tired of being dogged the hell out.
Dread, my high school sweetheart, was the first of many to lead the line of love failures in my life.
Quad wasn’t the best to follow up with. I was with Quad a couple months before my senior year of high school (feel free to refresh yourself of these noted characters in last week’s post, “So Unpretty”). It was until my first Fall semester in college that things took a turn for the worst, and I realized my man was becoming my enemy.
Me being away in school was always his excuse to start arguments and make accusations about me stepping out on him, when in reality, this was all a distraction to take the heat off of him and try to hide the dirt he was doing behind my back in Miami.
The relationship left me stressed out, all while balancing 5 classes, plus extracurricular activities, all in my first real semester in college. I knew that this relationship had taken a turn for the worst, and it was becoming detrimental to my health, my schooling, and to my mind. It was sickening, and I had to go.
The breakup initially left me disappointed, angry, bitter, unfocused, and hurt.
I glanced in the mirror one day and noticed the wideness in my hips, my pretty smile and white teeth, the way my lashes danced as I blinked, my brown bronzing skin and realized…
I was a new me.
I now had the persona that I was never going to be played again. And I would do whatever necessary to make sure a negro never caught me slipping, would never hold my feelings by my hand, and snatch it away when he damn near pleased.
If I ever met someone new, I had it all planned out. I wouldn’t smile at him too much, I would make sure not to laugh at all his jokes, and I would make him feel like he wasn’t worth my time. I would do anything necessary to make sure that no one would play with me or test me again.
I was now that hardcore chick, who had the stankest face to complement my eyes that seemed to stay rolling, and I wasn’t a force to be reckoned with. My hurt and pain was now changed into a physical shield from any guy who wanted to know me, like me, or love me.
You could have called me the modern day Trina. Every chance I could get I would quote, “These n*gas ain’t shit!”
And you couldn’t convince me to believe anything besides that.
Every time I would walk in the mall, or even go to the club with my friends, my disgust for men grew. I sucked my teeth every chance I got when I seen a guy checking me out. I made sure to curve any line that was thrown at me by a gentleman, and I wouldn’t give even the most intelligent man the time of day. I only seen men as having one motive: To get off and get over.
And I was not going to be anyone’s next victim.
My bitterness seeped out of every pore in my body. You could smell my negativity from Indonesia. The ice box where my heart used to be was an all-new temperature- one that I couldn’t feel, and one that my body after a while, could not handle.
I put out into the universe anger, coldness, and negativity.
I found myself miserable for the following two years, letting my anger grow and take over who I really was and who I once used to be.
I let the actions of a bum corrode the true insides of me.
I burned the inner beauty that was once inside of me.
My heart began to thaw as the urge of love rocked my brain. I thought I was so dead set into being THEE ultimate independent chick, and not being able to be told shit.
And it kicked me square in the ass when I realized that I could have been blocking my blessings all along.
All of this at the tender, young age of twenty-two.
Yet I felt like I had the insides of a fifty year old.
After working my way back up the totem pole and getting reacquainted with the woman I used to be before my self-destruction, I met a man who would soon illustrate to me the beauty of what love can offer me.
And hell, he wasn’t even in Florida.
We’ll call him Suge.
Just think of a young, muscular Suge Knight if you need a mental representation.
I flew into Alabama for my best friend Nat’s 21st birthday. She was having a kickback that Friday night, and would be inviting all her friends that she made and was cool with from her school.
I was enjoying the vibe and the music was jumping, until I seen something that could have made the DJ’s records scratch and stop spinning.
I happened to be chilling on the couch with a glass of something lovely in my hand, when a honey brown, tall, fresh cut, pearly white teeth, muscular built male walked through the function with his homeboy who just wasn’t as good looking as him.
I examined him from his shoes to the crown of his head, his diamond earrings in both lobes of his ear, his necklace shined into the darkness, and every dimension of him could have almost had me whipped.
Now I can be bold when I want to be, but I had to know who this stranger was that was up in this party with me.
I seen him chilling by himself with his drink of choice in his hand, and decided to break the ice. To my surprise, he was very reluctant and almost seemed uninterested.
Honey if it’s one thing I know how to do, it’s to take a hint.
I shrugged it off after a while and floated around the party, even sliding over to the DJ to request a few of my favorite tunes.
I met his continuing gaze as he watched me from the other side of the room, and he met me to where I was standing. We entered a good conversation, which then led to a great time musically as we danced together to a song or two. His country accent was digging into me… in a good way.
He could have said anything to me, and it would have been alright.
It was nearing two in the morning, and the party was starting to wind down. Before Suge left with his homeboy, he proceeded to tell me that he enjoyed the evening with me and that he hopes that I continue to have a great rest of my trip in Alabama. I warmly smiled and told him the same, thanking him for the wish of a great trip.
Right after Nat & I got our showers in and were headed to bed, her phone vibrated.
“Girl. Guess who texted me?” She said, surprised.
“Who, girl?” I said, wrapping my hair.
“Suge.” She grinned.
I chuckled. “Uh huh, well that’s your homeboy.”
“Hmm. Well my homeboy wants to give you his number.”
I spun my head back so quick I could have thrown my damn neck out. “Say what?”
“Yeah, I was checking yall out all night. Now I guess he wants to follow that up. But, he is cool. It wouldn’t hurt, Bree.” She said slyly.
“Yeah, okay.” I looked at my phone. “Well, he’s gonna have to wait. Shit, it’s 3AM.”
Yall know I wasn’t going for that shit, right?
Nat & I woke up hours later to get dressed and head out to brunch. It was around 11:15AM, so I figured it was a suitable time to text Suge and see what was really good.
Heck, I didn’t expect to get a text back at 11:17AM.
The night was great, but I guess it was more than great to have him waiting by his phone just for a text from me.
Texting Suge all through brunch led us to texting throughout the whole day and evening. He knew it was my last night in Alabama.
But what I didn’t know is that he wanted to spend it with me.
My head was spinning like a whirlwind, and chile, I didn’t know what to do at first. I meet a guy one day, and he wants some more of me the next?
Hell, I could get used to this.
Nat was excited for me; probably a little more excited than me. Nat & Suge both lived on campus, so Nat volunteered to escort me over to Suge’s place and proceeded to give me a pep talk.
“He’s good people, charming, and sweet. And baby, that’s what you need.”
I swallowed rather hardly as I texted him and told him I was near. He was already outside, posted up on his white Chrysler 300, looking good as a country man could come.
When I entered the living room, incense was burning a vanilla honey scent, my favorite drink that I previously told him last night was chilling on ice, and since he played the saxophone, he had saxophone instrumentals to the latest tunes playing in the background. I even had seen a bag of one of my favorite potato chips- Lays. Most things that I previously said the night of the party were right in front of me.
Just when you think a man doesn’t listen.
Stimulating conversation was in the air, the electrifying vibrations between us only intensified as the time went on.
We talked, discussed, and even softly debated an array of topics that happened to be in our bubble of a hemisphere.
When the topic of relationships came up, I tensed heavily.
He looked right into what was left of my insecurities, as I wore my worry of this conversation right on my sleeve, and the deep echo of my sigh only illustrated that this was something I didn’t want to ruin the beautiful evening with. My “Bag Lady” tendencies could have been opened up wide like the TSA would do to examine me just to get through the airport gate.
And he was on to me.
My sudden timidness changed the aura of the room; his eyes pierced deeper into me as the reflection of the three candles lit bounced off my nose and lips. He was listening to me and watching my every move… and I finally spoke.
I didn’t reveal too much, but I must have revealed enough. The conversation of my failed date excursions must had fired up his soul to the point where he had to make a move on me.
And it wasn’t for the panties.
As I concluded my last thought on the subject, I sipped my drink slowly, examining how my hands were beginning to sweat.
He spoke softly. The baritone in his voice sent a chill from my mind to my love den. His hand came forward to my damp hand, and then on my right cheek. “You just need somebody who’s going to hold your face and look you in your eyes, without a twitch and without a lie, and tell you that if loving you is wrong… Then morally as man, I don’t want to be right.”
I could have melted like the wax of the vanilla scent candles he purposely lit up for me. What started as one hour grew into four, and I never expected an intimate moment like this to occur. I thought things like this didn’t happen for girls like me.
I didn’t know it really existed.
After closing my eyes for what seemed like a minute, I awoke at six in the morning, in the same spot where I laid, and Suge just a little distance away from me.
I called Nat to come and get me, even though he soon awakened and offered to take me. I declined because he had to be to work at 7:00AM, and his job at the power plant was a little ways away.
As we stood outside, he asked why did I have to return to Florida, and why couldn’t I attend his same university. He even asked if he could take me to the airport since my flight was leaving that afternoon.
It was then I knew that someone sweet as this, had to exist. I knew that there had to be other men that were as sweet as Suge, or maybe even sweeter.
I didn’t give this man much, but I left Alabama with what seemed of everything.
Our paths crossed simply to warp my mind on the fact that love can be innocent, and dating can be truthful, and that good men can actually be great to you. Suge gave me more mentally. Even though we did not pursue a long distance relationship, it is much more that he has impacted that maybe one day, he will know.
It was like Suge gave a jump to my car- that metaphorically being, my heart.
A jump on a new restored look on life, dating, and love.
By someone who was willing to give that to a damaged soul like me.
Ladies, if you have lived a life full of scorn like me, please believe that the scorn will not leave until it is you who makes it leave. There were so many men who wanted me, who wanted to know the inner depths of me, but I wouldn’t let them, because of the inner and ugly scorn of me. Caused by ME.
Ladies, how can we put into the universe that we want the man of our dreams, when it is us who blocks his every entrance of entering? No matter how many times I have been burned, it took every single burn to realize that there is a man who won’t give a damn how many times I have been lit on fire.
He’s gonna love each and every part of me.
But I have to let him.
Ladies, let him! We all can mess around and let the wrong one slip away just based off what we say, how we act, and what we keep putting back into the universe. I let my angry and bitter ways stop me numerous of times of finding someone to successfully date. I put the old nasty garbage bags from the old scumbags of humans in my life onto the lap of a fine young gentleman who just wanted to ride out with me.
You could wind up standing at your door of bitterness, demanding that the man of your dreams comes to you and saves you, but that door can’t be unlocked, even though your man on the other side of the door already has the key.
I can only slice it, dice it, and serve it in only a few ways. We can’t be demanding that our man in shining armor comes and then slap him with the pure bitterness of our souls. Don’t let the lack of love from the past mess up the possibility of love in your future. What you put out into the universe, is what you will receive. What I put out, is what I ATTRACT. Do you see the connection here?
There are many men who damage women, but who do you want to win? Don’t you deserve to win? You win by moving on, and loving again.
And again, and again, and again.
Look at me. I’m doing it.
I challenge you to dump the scorn and latch on to security. Security that your Suge, or whatever or whomever you want it to be, will be coming, and that he is on his way.
Only if you let him.
Love past the pain. Love past the scorn. Love past the brokenness that a man has made you feel. You are a woman, you a warrior, therefore, automatically, you will always win.
In the words of Candace from Think Like A Man when she told Lauren about her own ways:
“All this waiting for better, is making you bitter.”
Which would you rather be? Waiting for the better or deterring your route with being bitter?
It all starts with self. Break it down within you.
After all, it could be you that’s blocking the pure bliss of a blessing of having someone you can call, your boo.
Live life and love it just the same, ladies & gents.
Until next week.
You know the drill!